Have you ever felt the need, the desire to just disappear into the wind, like a scent that travels across the world, noticed and yet never full smelt. Like the rays of sunlight in a single dewdrop that falls to the ground in a flash, with colors in it's singular globe unnamed?

I'm feeling a bit like that.


Everything seemed to be going well for a while.

About two weeks ago I was with no internet, I went swimming, went to school ( met a cute guy from Iraq, who I'm just not that great speaking with, because I've absolutely NO experience with the opposite gender even at my old age of 17)I got to read or draw when I had the time, I cleaned up after myself and occasionally a few other people (small kids usually), I was never yelled at, I was given time to get down to the area I was needed if someone wanted to talk to me or needed me to do something.

It was heaven.

And yet this week, has just barely started and I feel exhausted. I awoke with shadows... dark shadows under my eyes, I felt like I'd had basically no sleep at all. Saturday I had to go to this Hike to Lyon's mountain for repelling. I never got to the repelling part. It took about 4 hours to hike up and back down that mountain, with all it's steep parts, rocks and sand you could easily slip on ( and I SLIPPED on them), and ran out of water to the point where I got home I died in my bed, and missed out on T-chan's birthday party. I knew Star-star wanted me there, but it was T-chan's party, and I didn't really feel wanted/needed/desired/useful. Sunday came. Sore throat. I could hardly walk, couldn't speak. I knew I needed water, but each gulp stung, bringing salty tears to my eyes. Monday I was mostly over the water, I forced myself to play DDR, and yet all this time I kept thinking of one person, who would wander in my thoughts like a lost soul, prodding and nudging me.

A single person who I haven't spoken to since December 14th... It's been 5 months and 12 days since I've last talked to him. Many a time I've been told to give up on him, and I've tried. I honestly have, I'm even interested in a guy... sorta. I really just want to be friends with him at this point.A hug is nice from your girly friends and occasionally your manly friends but lets face it, Would you rather hug a cactus or a man with a warm embrace, one that can enfold you in his arms, where your hands fit together almost perfectly? I'd go for the man.

House life isn't all that great either. I went from peaceful and supportive to yelling, constant needing, nothings right. We love what the church did for us, honestly. The house is wonderful, and for the most part we have all of our prized possessions. The day my mother was forced home (because the lady she was staying with wasn't treating her all that great- I had no reason to trust her, bad vibes say much for this spirit) I rolled my mother home around the block, which wasn't all that far. I tolerated my mother's complaints, her whimpers of feeling always in the way, her mumblings of how life's been past and current. Already- Give me a break. I deal. She mourned over (and still does) the loss of many items.- GET over it already! First day she got in her motor-wheelchair. Tore a chunk of paint from my door because she HAD to see what it looked like (No she didn't, the rotten bugger could've just accepted NO as an answer and stayed the fuck out... oops i cursed.) So the house has a few tears and wears that in a normal family would not appear for at least 3 years. I told one of the sisters about my mother's complaints to me, because frankly- i just need to get it out. My mother found out I mentioned how she's been feeling, and gets on my case for talking badly behind her back. For lying. Everyone is a liar, because there are many truths in the world. What could be my truth could be a lie for you. What part of that doesn't make sense?

i don't even know if I'll be able to get ~apocalypse613 's contest entry finished. I have a reserved place for Xanthus, but everything i do seems wrong.


Sorry kiddos on Horseisle, I won't be seen very often, and my subby's probably running out, I gotta get some work done, maybe a few stories.